Friday, July 28, 2006

A Fat Frosh and a boyfriend?!

I got a job at the school, and left in July to get away from everything at home. I was going to work at the library until school started. I needed the money anyway, so it was my ticket out.
I arrived for my first year of college at a 385 pounds. I had lost a little weight before getting there and was looking forward to my new life without any one else I knew. A fresh start... I did really well, to. For the first time in my life, I was getting smaller.

Maybe everyone's focus wouldn't be on the fact that there was fat on my body... a concept that really got to lots of people back home wigged out. Maybe they would meet ME... I started doing what society says a fat person is supposed to do. Eat salad all the time, and walk a lot. And I did. Well, I tried to anyway. I found out that I couldn't really walk all that far at first, but I was trying.I made some friends, nice genuine people. We had fun. Imagine that! Me! Having fun with others. I lost another 45 pounds in the coming months and was feeling so good about it. 350 pounds was in sight! And I was making friends!

One of those people was a guy named Dan. He was this sweet guy who treated me like a friend, no actually became my friend. Something I had never really had before. We talked about everything. We'd stay up late just talking about our lives, hurts, triumphs, everything. And he was nice to me even though I was fat! Something I just couldn't believe. I even opened up a little about my life as a fat chick and he opened up about being a friendless nerd, so we connected.

Then something happened.

He asked me if "I er, wanted to, er, go maybe to see, er a possible might, want to , go , er, and , maybe see a , er a, movie, or something. " Assuming that this was a friendly request, I didn't understand the "er um, er" thing. I was like " Sure. But later that night, I started to feel like... "Maybe that was being asked out on a date and I missed it."

Then I looked at myself in the mirror, and said, "Nah!" Can't be. No one would ever want to go out with me. Then I started to feel that empty fat girl feeling. I had seen all these cute guys all my life that I would never have a chance of dating, becuase I was still so repulsively fat. And that theme just covered me up. I was so depressed. I didn't go out and hang out in front of the dorm that night like I used to. I just sat in my room looking out the window. I started crying. I felt that I was trapped under all this fat. And I couldn't get rid of it... I was so so... ugly.

It was getting late, and if I were going to go to this movie, I would have to get ready. I cleaned up, got dressed, and went downstairs. I started having movie seat anxiety, cause I really dont fit in those very welll. At least I didn't like 3 years ago... Anyhow, we met, and went out to the theatre in the mall. We were on line for tickets, and there was a nice sunset behind us. We were standing there and he took my hand. All of a sudden i realized that OMG We were holding hands! I was so confused. What was happening here? Anyhow, we got in and started looking for seats. We were goint to see The Incredibles, by the way. We fianlly made it in and started to thank god that theaters are dimly lit so the trying to stuff my body into this chair would be so obvious. Anyhow, I made it. Something that was a bit iffy for me, but I made it. I was trying to hide the fact that I was in that seat like a sardine. The lights went down, and the movie started. It was an awesome movie! But about 1/2 way through, he stretched, and then put his arm around me.

Now I was really mind snapped. Me, I, Libby, the fat chick is in a theater with a guy who earlier had held my hand, with his arm around me making me fell like he actually likes me. Likes as in... This actually IS a date. The show ended, and he was like... lets get some ice cream. So we did, and we sat outside a Dairy Queen in his car for like hours, just talking. I was actually having a really nice time. When they turned the lights out, we left. We went back to school, and he walked me home. At my dorm he turned and said, I had a really nice time. I said, Thanks, me too. It was fun. Then he kind of put his arms out to give me a hug, so I thought, and he kissed me! He actually kissed me! I couldn't believe it! I was blown over... He said see ya tomorrow, and went off. I stood there like " What happened here?"

All night I was like... " What just happened?" That night I decided... that's it. This is a nice guy, and im never gonna have a chance to be with a guy like this... im going to really diet and get pretty. I can do this. The next night, he stopped over for a while, and we were gonna go over to the cafeteria and get dinner. I had a small salad, and then he asked to go for a little walk. We were laughing about whatever and dinner came up... cause it was pretty poor. He was like... "The Salad... what is that all about... Thats it? how can you survive on rabbit food?" I sarcastically said... " You dont think Im gonna starve any time soon do you? " and he said... what do you mean? And i said "In case you didn't notice, a few small meals are probably a good thing for someone like me." Again... " What do you mean?" I said... "Im not exactly tiny." And he said... "So?" I just brushed it off as a polite comment.

We went back to my room and got stuck watching two episodes of House. I LOVE that show. Then some acne infomercial came one and we turned it off. And just started talking. He couldn't believe that people would be so inclined to try anything to get rid of acne, or lose weight, or grow hair, or whatever. And he said... IM glad you don't do that stuff." i was like... "Huh?" He leaned over and said " I think you're pretty just the way you are," and proceeded to kiss me. More than just a goodnight kiss, though.

We kissed for like 30 seconds... and I honestly didn't know what to do. I felt his hands on my side, and was SO self conscious cuase i knew there was a big fat roll there! Funny the times you think of stuff... Here I was, the fat girl being kissed. I was dumbfounded. I said the dumbest thing you can imagine... I said " You are aware you are kissing a fat girl." Then he confessed that he was fully aware that I was fat. He had noticed it a few weeks ago. chuckle chuckle Then he said " Dispite this revelation, I still think youre pretty and kissed me again. This time, he gently lissed me for like several minutes or more. And this was the way it was for the rest of the night. Talk , Kiss for a while, talk, kiss for a while... and so on.

He confessed that he found me attractive the minute he first saw me, in fact, the fact that I was fat was for him, a good thing. I just didn't get it. I had been told my whole life how ugly I was, and this guy likes me... This made absolutely no sense to me. Then he asked me "do you mind?" I thought "mind what? not being repulsive?

We kissed some more, we talked a lot, We talked about my life as an obese child, and how I had lived with it, and dealt with it, and so on. He told me that there was a fat girl in his grade growing up that he liked in jr. high... but never had the nerve to say anything. I just couldn't believe that this male was actually attracted to me. I was just so extremely aware of every move. Every time he would touch me at all, I was so aware of what he would feel. After all, there was no hiding my size...He's bound to feel a flab roll.


I could no longer lie on my side holding up my head, so I rolled over a bit. Then he started giving me the most awesome back rub. I mean, I guess it was... I have never had one before. It just felt so good. I had never had anyone do anything like this to me before. Then he slipped his hands under my shirt and pushed my shirt up a bit to reveal my back. I immediately got super self conscious...I kinda started to pull it down to cover some. I half laughed and said " Im not that kind of girl!" It was like a nervous knee jerk thing. We laughed, and he said... thats not what i mean... for the back rub - I'm not getting fresh, honest " Then I was faced with letting him continue, which I REALLY wanted to, and by doing so letting him actually see all the rolls of fat hanging off my sides and back, or stopping. I was on emotional overload. Fear, vs. desire.

He picked up on it, pulled my shirt down and said "you don't have to, its OK. And I was like... " No its not that..." It feels good, I don't know whats wrong with me..." I felt like I was gonna cry. And he said" You are you afraid that I might see that you are indeed big, and that this is not a disguise, aren't you? " I laughed a little, then teared up and said... I don't know why I'm like this. IM so ... nervous. I'm Sorry. This is the first time I have ever been touched in any way. Im so sorry, its not you. " No one has ever seen my body before... Then he came close, put his arms around me and said "It's OK. Fell better. Just feel better." He just held me. I started crying...that silent body jumping cry... He asked me what was wrong, and I said " I don't know... I just have never felt this way before... " He asked " What way?" I said... " Liked... warm... wanted... and scared at the same time. " He just kept holding me until I was calm. I felt so safe.

Then I rolled onto my tummy and pulled the back of my shirt up and asked, "would you please?" He just rubbed my back for the longest time. As he was doing it, I could feel his hands feeling each fold, and curve. I had this feeling that he was liking it as much as I was... I felt 1/2 embarrassed, and 1/2 exited. He said- "See, the way I see it, you are sitting here afraid that I might wake up and see just how big you really are and run away. You think that Im gonna come to my senses and leave repulsed. Just the opposite... I want to stay right here and never leave. I honestly think you might be the most beautiful person I have ever met... inside and out. The crying started again. He stopped and said... Was it something I said?" I said yes... it was... I have never been so happy."

He kept going, then after getting stuck on the back of my bra like 20 times, I said... " This is in the way..." and opened my bra. Now I was on my tummy, so that was ok, but now everything really was exposed. I will admit that I had never felt this way before in my life. I was so exited, so alive... It was unbelievable. He never did push it, and after my back rub, he turned the other way and said... go ahead, cover up. I wont peek. I was stunned - he was so... respectful? Is that right... I don't know...he wasn't just trying to see... he cared about me. Anyhow, I took a little walk on the wild side and rolled over and took bra off under my shirt and said OK.

Now I was sitting there in a blue t shirt with no bra. A t shirt that didnt really hide anything. My bresats have never really had any shape, they just hang down, so with no bra, the normal "sort of girl shape" is gone. I know I have large nipples and im sure they were poking through. I felt so ... daring. We stayed that way for a while. I was there in all my raw fatness... And I didn't feel weird. Nothing baggy... Nothing over sized... No bra even to keen things from getting out of hand. I was sitting like I had for years when I was enjoying the comfort of alone-ness. I felt kind of comfortable. We talked some more, then I said to him... You might be the nicest person and best friend I have ever had. I leaned over and kissed him. Something I had never done before... and we kissed for a while. I admit that I was starting to like all this. Of course exploring hands had to do their thing. I started feeling a little more comfortable and while we were "making out," I reached down and slid my hands under his shirt and started to just caress and explore. I had never felt anyone before... it was fun. I couldn't believe this was happening. I kept hoping i wouldn't wake up.

Then, as I was, he started exploring me. At one point i couldn't believe that someone was touching my belly... it was just so surreal. Then he just went up a little an cupped a breast. WOW. This rush just came over me... another set of hands, for the first time, was touching me there. For the first time, I realized how sensitive my nipples are. I had never felt that level of arousal in my life. Then, I figured, what the hell... You only live once... I suddenly had this desire to be feminine - to see what it feels like to attract someone... to be pretty... I don't know what i was thinking. I cant put it into words... I stopped, stared right at him, rolled up onto my knees and took my shirt off. There I was... bare chested and bare bellyed. I had never done this before in my entire life. He approached me, said "you're so beautiful" Then I pushed my pants down to below my belly, and let it all hang. I was on the edge, as they say. thrill of a lifetime.

Before long, we were naked. I can not describe in words how I felt. FOr the first time, I felt like a real person. Someone liked ME! I started to actually want him to look at my body, cause I felt like he liked it. I took of my pants, and before long, he had explored all of me. There were no more secrets. We wound up naked, sitting on a futon watching the sun come up over the horizon. It was the very best night of my life.

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