Friday, August 25, 2006

So here I lay in the Hospital, a grossly obese young girl. At least that what I thought everyone was thinking. And maybe they were. I know I had lots of wierd thoughts going through my mind. I felt for the first time in my life that the fat on my body had taken over. I actually felt like I "truly couldnt" for the first time in my life... and I dont mean couldn't run as fast as the others... or couldnt walk up a long hill.... I felt that I actually was unable to life things... beucase my body was indeed so heavy - that there was indeed so much fat piled on top of me that I needed help to survive. After all, I was in a hospital I couldnt have gotten to myself, after riding in an ambulance that I couldnt get into on my own, after not being able to ride in a normal car after not being able to get off of a floor I was on because I couldnt simply stand up off of a couch. The list of "couldn'ts" was growing.

I thought to myself that this is truly what it must be like to be "immobile" to some degree. And as horrible as it was, I felt this odd feelng of accomplishment... like... " So this is what its like... I made it..." Then I started to realize that total strangers had seen me either totally naked, or partially... had felt my body while holding me up... there was this wierd sexual undertone to it all. Of course, I was lying on a hospital bed at the time by myself letting my mind wander. The feeling that the fat on me was restricting me had taken an erotic hold of me again.

Then Dan came into the room. They let him come in, and he was just so glad to be near me. He kept saying how sorry he was that he had to do it... that he didnt want me to have to go through it all... I told him it was OK, and that he probabaly saved my life... and that I was OK.

Then I got this nutty idea. I asked him " So, how did it feel watching me?" He asked" :What do you mean?" I asked... " How did I look trying so hard to move? Was it erotic as hell?" He stood there not knowing what to say. I looked at him and said... " Its OK, you can tell me... how did it feel? Did you like watching me struggle? Did you like watching the fat win?" He didn't know what do say. I didn't either... it was just a nutty moment.

Then some nurse came in and she said that they needed to do more tests... and they wheeled me on my bed out. I had to get a chest xray, bloodwork, and get moved from the ER to a room. Along the way, I was going to be checked in... which included things like getting weighed. WEIGHED? What is this... school? No way! But they said they had to, becuase they had to determine how much mdicine to give me.

The nurse said, due to your severe obesity, we do not know and can not guess the correct dosage. We must weigh you, and that is that. If you werent so heavy, it would not be neccessary. Kind of felt like a swipe, but what the heck... she is right... So after my chest xray, we stopped and I had to get weighed... and the first place we stopped wasnt good enough... ran out of numbers at 499. So, we had to go somewhere else. I was pretty embarrased... Anyhow, we wound up in this other room and I had to stand up and get all sorts of measurements done. I guess it was alsmot like a physical of sorts. THey said they had to develop a base line on my physical condition.

She told me that I was offically 5'6 inches tall, 544 pounds, with a BMI index of 87.8. Whatever that means. I told her that there was no way that I weighed 544 pounds, that I was only 505 like 2 months ago. Well, I was 544 pounds. I had a 96 inch waist and 44 inch thighs. But the thighs did have a lot of fluid in them , she said. THey said it was lots of fluid from the pneumonia and that it would clear.

I wound up going off to a room where I would fall asleep for the res tof the night. I fell asleep thinking... HOly crap... 544 pounds... no wonder i couldnt move... thats 40 pounds in 2 months... I was honestly mind blown. It was a bit to much for me to take.

The rest of my hospital stay, all 4 days was spent walking and resting. Walking becuase they said that moving around was the best way to cealr the lungs. Resting, cause between the medicine and the weight, I was always wiped out. They made me walk the hallway. Up and back. up and back. There was this really nice nurse, Terry who would always come in and spend a little time with me. She would walk with me and watch so if I started to get overheated, Id stop. THey said that was bad. But she and I became friends, and talked a lot. She felt sorry for me being so big, and all. She kept telling me that I was really pretty, that Id be a knockout if I were thin.

I honestly told her that i had never in my life been thin, and that i couldnt imagine it. I told her of my year, and the gaining, and Dan, and everything. She asked me a few questions that I could not answer. They are really interesting questions:

" Am I afraid of people more than being fatter?" I dont know.

" Am I afraid of people?" Yes - very

" Am I truly happy like this?" I dont know

" If I could actually do it successfully, would I want to be thin? Not thinner, but thin. ?" Yes, I think so

" Do I believe I could ever have that?" No.

* Many of these questions keep rattling around in my head.

Then she said " Do I Really want to be fat?" I dont know.

She said "Am I Happy?" And I said, I have been for the last year, except for being home and well, yesterday.

Then she asked me... how much of the "being fat thing" is a defense mechanism for not beleiveing I could ever be thin? I dont know the answer to that.

We had some nice chats. I really spent some time thinking about it. Not that I came up with any answers... but it was food for thought. There were lots of people trying to get me to lose weight... trying to get me to understand how fat I really was/am... how " dangerous" it is... how bad it is... Terry said something to me when I complained to her that people kept bugging me about it. She said " They care. Maybe they dont know how to say it, but they care. Accept is as such." She told me that I was a beautiful person, and that would never change regardless of my weight... but that that Id have a better life it I were thinner.

I said, Duh, I know that... but its never gonna happen. She asked Why?

I have no answer.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

So What happened?

oK, ok. Here is the deal. Im back, and feeling better. I got really really sick. I had a sinus infection that turned into bronchitis, that turned into pneumonia. Truth is, that I was terrified of leaving the house, number 1, and terrified even more of actually having to go to a doctor. So I refused to do. Dan tried and tried to get me to go, but I wouldn't. About a week ago, it was about 1 AM, an I was collapsed on the couch as usual, and I started to cough...a real gurgly cough that wouldnt quit, to the point that I felt like I had to sit up and lean forward to cough and clear my throat. But I couldn't. I was too weak. Suddenly, I was in a terrible place. I couldn't get my breath, I couldn't cough hard enough, I couldnt lean up, I was scared to death. I panicked. I frantically wanted to get off the couch and was trying as hard as I could, but I couldn't get any air. I just stop coughing long enough to do it. I finally justslid off and fell onto the floor so I could be on my knees to cough.

Dan heard it and came running. I was on my hand and knees coughing relentlessly. He said I never looked so bad. He told me that I was going to go to the hospital. I refused, and he told me not this time... I was going. I told him no I wasnt, and he told me that if I didn't go, he was calling an ambulance. He told me to think about it for 2 minutes. Either he goes with me, or with strangers after they carry me out. I was in really bad, and then the coughing started again. I was trying to stand up, but I couldn't. I just couldn't do it. I was coughing and shaking, and wheezing... and I agreed to let him take me.

Once I agreed, he helped me get up on my feet and helped me put some clotheson. I started the process of going outside. It was raining, so that made it more complicated. I didnt really know where any of my coats were, they were packed somewhere. I didn't care. I just went out with a t shirt and sweats. I made my way to the door, he opened it and then I stepped out.

Being out of the house was so ... odd. I stood outside the door and I cant describe the feeling I had not being safe in the house. I felt... naked, or vulnerable... or someting. I startred down the steps, which was harder than it ever was before and started to panick a little less than 1/2 way down. I begged him to let me stay to stay. He refused and insisted that I needed to get help. I refused to go any further. I said to him " Just help me get back in and I'll be fine. Just help me get back in. " He left me there, walked doen the steps and got into his car. It was pouring rain, and he left me there. I stood there on the steps and for a moment, parylized with fear. I couldn't go up, cause Id have to turn on the steps which I didnt think I could do. Not to mention, I didn't have the keys to get in. I could not sit anywhere up there cause it was not big enough. If I went down, Id have to go the hospital, which was terrifying, and so I was stuck. Then, it hit me that I was STANDING on the steps, and that in itself was starting to get harder and harder to do. My back was starting to feel uncomfortable, my legs were startd to feel funny, I couldn't breathe, I was in a "no choice" situation. I started to cry. I started to cry like a baby. I HAD to go down stairs, and I had no choice. I was going to try and walk down, or fall down. Either way, I was going down. I had that " I hate living in this body" feeling again. I was a prisoner of the fat surrounding me again. I was helpless.

I started to make my way one step at a time. It was that, or fall over. I was sobbing, and hacking... it might have been the worst moment of my life. I also realized that I really did need help... It was almost impossible to get enough air. I struggled to get into his car, and sat back as I normally do once in his car, but sitting back, I started the "cant breathe" The only way I could breathe was sitting up with my legs out side. I couldnt be in there all the way and still breathe. I tried, but it was impossible. I was getting more and more scared beucase when you cant breathe, this panic comes over you. We had no choice but to call 911.

They came with an ambulance. These 2 people came - volunteers. A man, and a women. They were the nicest human beings on planet earth. They got out and helped me climb into the ambulance. As soon as I sat down, she started to ask what was going on, etc. She was so warm and friendly, and caring. She made me feel that it would be OK. They put me on oxygen. I couldn't really sit back on the cot thing, and she said it was cause there was fluid in my lungs. So, I just sat on it instead.

THey took me to the hospital where once again that panic feeling started. PEOPLE... I would have to see people! She caught on that i was suddenly uneasy and reassured me. As we were pulling in, she told me step by step what would happen... and that I would be OK. First, they would have to call for help to get me out. I asked her "Cause I'm fat?" I dont know what made me say that, but I did. She said Yes that the two of them would not be able to lift me on the cot, but it wasnt uncommon to ask for help. " She was trying so hard to just be nice to me.

I told her that I didn't want that, that I could walk. I begged her to let me try to walk, and she did. I got out of the ambulance, and started to walk to the building. It was the first real walking for me in about 3 weeks. And it was so hard! We made it to the building, and the woman said "Do you need to rest?" I said yeah, and she let me sit for a sec. I said " You can tell?" She said "Yeah. It looks like you are trying your hardest just to stay on your feet. Your face is red, and you look more anxiuos with each step. - Its OK, just rest." Then her partner came with a wheelchair. I wasnt about to be put into that thing... so I tried to stand and walk. Couldnt. Too wak.

So she leaned over to me and said " Libby, you are a very very big girl. I understand its hard to admit that you cant do something that everyone else can, but the truth is that you cant do this right now. You're very sick, too. Thats why you are here... they will help you, but you have to trust us. This tis no time for pride." I started to cry a little and then I sat down and they wheeled me the rest of the way. As soon as we were inside, I could feel the stares... tension... so she wheeled me into a little room and closed the curtain. She said... " OK, time to get you on the bed, and you have to lose the clothes. Here put this on. " She handed me this little smock, that honestly, was like trying to wrap a watermelon with a kleenex.

She could tell that I was incredibly uncomforable... She told me I had no choice and that I had to do it. She said she would wait outside the curtain, and to call her when i was ready. I changed, and i called her back in. She lowered the bed way down, and helped me get out of the wheelchair and on to the bed, the raised it up. She covered me with a sheet and then let me doctor come in.

He came in and had that " Oh MY " look. He started to talking to the EMT lady and then turned to me. " OK, Elizabteth... lets listen to those lungs... he just reached over, pulled up the smock, lifted my breast out of the way, and started to listen with his ear thing. ." Panic set in... "Its OK... this is nothing new for me..." Then the EMT lady said... " It is for her... shes scared... " He took his time, reassured me, then listed to my lungs. He did other checking and then gave me the bad news.

"You have pneumonia, and pretty bad. We have to do a few things. First, get the fluid out of your lungs... and second, kill the infection. It will require that you stay here for a few days. I know you don't wan't to do that, but you really must... for your health. If you had not come in here tonight, you might not have made it much passed tommorrow. You're filling up."

So that was that... I was staying in the hospital. I will write more on that tommorrow. I must also take a moment to say that even though it was hard from him and me, Dan may have saved my life by not giving in to me on the steps. It was a horrible wrenching event, but he had the courage to not back down and get help for me, for which I am grateful.
I am so sick.

I think I have more th an a cold. I cant stop coughing, I cant breathe, My head is pounding. Chills... Ive never felt this bad in my life. Im so terrified of having to go out, but I might have to. Im actually scared.
I have a cold.

I hate being sick. I cant stop sneezing and coughing. I cant breathe well, I am going through tissues like mad... You may laugh, but the hardest part is having to get up to find more tissues. He threatened to take me to a doctor if this keeps up. NO!!!!!!!!!! Anything but that.
Day 16.

I am turing into a lazy bum! Its amazing how much doing nothing can affect you. First of all, though I have no way of knowing, for all those of you who are into "my expanding size," I know Im gaining weight. I feel huge. Just getting up from the sofa is like the hardest thing I ever do. I tried to put on something more than sweat shorts and a cut up t shirt for Dans birthday dinner, but couldnt fit into anything. Not that that is anything new for me, but I didnt have the umph to keep trying. So, I put on his favorite outfit: My arrival at home outfit. I did not wear a bra though, cuase A) havent yet since ive been here, and B) the wire was buggin me. So, when youre not going out, who cares right?

I was also going to have dinner ready for him when he came home. He usually does it, but I just didn't. I put it off and put it off, then he came home! So, that was that. It was OK, cuase he brought home Chineese. We stayed up late and watched old movies and got very drunk! It was fun... funny movies hammered can be so funny... I had forgotten how much I love beer. in college, there was lots of it, but not since. We are going to have to fix that! We drank an entire case that night. I fnally passed out on the couch. Which is not all that different from other night. LOL!
In case youre wondering about the dates, I kind of write thoughts as I go along then put them up all at once. Dates dont really mean anything, and I dont know how to turn them off.
Day 11.

I can say with certainty that I was born to be a hermit!. LOL I am actually enjoying myself being here all the time. I have not had one negative feeling moment, I have not endured that feeling of being stared at, I have eaten asnything I wanted, in any quantity desired, and I have been repeatedly been treated nicely by someone I care about. I have been allowed to do whatever I want... sloth at it's finest! LOL

Seriously, I have done whatever I have wanted to do, or not do... I seem to stay up way late at night doing whatever, and woken up after noon almost every day. I wake up when Im tired to sleeping, and I go to sleep when Im tired to being awake. I eat until Im tired of eating, which is alsmot never. I am under no pressure to do anything.

It's funny. I spent my whole life focusing on the fact that there is lots of fat layered on my body in one way or another. Either thru trying desperately to lose weight, or lately gain weight, its always been a big part of my life. Like putting on clothes that dont really fit, or that do fit but dont hide it well... The last 11 days, it really hasnt been. I have been free to be me, with no part of my being fat making any difference. I have not put on a special set of clothes, I havent even been concerned " Does this make me look fat?" I have never felt self concious, not even one time. Even when sitting there eating and eating, not once. Its been so great not feeling fat, I cant explaint it adequately... you have to be like me to understand.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

It has been 4 days. I have not left, in fact, I have not even thought of leaving. I have stayed up way late a t night watching movies and playing online. I have slept really late for 4 days. I have eaten more food in 4 days than I probably ever have in 4 days before. Not becuase im trying to gain weight, but beucase i want to eat, and there is no one here to bug me about it. Once you have gained weight on purpose for the sake of reaching a number, you dont really care about a number any more. At least I dont.

Every day, there has been a note for me when I wake up telling me how beautiful I am, and how much I am loved. Each note has been different, making me feel good about being me. Everynight, he comes home a greets me as if I am the only woman in the world and we sit and talk. I dont know how many people think that is a big deal, having someone just want to spend time with you, but its everything to me. He makes me feel so special. We havent even mentioned the fat on my body... It has never come up. Not once.
I like this.

Well, I'm here! I am again, a happy person! I could no longer take it at home with the insults, and comments, and "salads" that were suddenly dotting the landscape at the dinner table. I could no longer take my family staring at me like strangers do on the street. They don't even do a good job of looking away when I catch them looking. If people were supposed to watch me do everything, I'd charge admission! Not to mention the stairs! Having to try and make my way up a flight of staris every time I had to use the bathroom was honestly a little hard for me to take. So Dan came and picked me up.

I put on my arrival outfit for my departure. It emphasised for them the enormity of my body as I made my way out. I went downstairs to let Dan in... I was sooooooooo happy to see him. Then I sat in a chair while he got everything. I could have made the three trips but it looked so much better for them to see me sitting there while he did it... kinda like... "Shes so fat she cant even get her things. It was fun. Finally, I got up said my goodbyes, and got into his car. I was already feeling better that I was with him.

Its not exactly around the corner from Ohio to Massachusets, so it was a lot for him to drive all the way to turn around and go back. I can also say with certainty that a ride that long for me in a small car isnt the best. I mean, I kinda knew that it would get a little rough. For anyone that reads this who isnt big, shifting around in a car isnt easy for us larger types. I found the best way to be comfy was about 1/2 way reclined. I missed a lot of scenery that way, but sitting up was just out of the question. We also sampled the very best in highway rest stop food, and visited lost of rest stop rest rooms! I can say that there must be a company somewhere that designs them for all highways... They are all the same.

I wasnt in the car 14 minutes before I had my first meal! I wanted so much to eat... without them... I wanted the ride home to be like it was... feeding, resting... the whole nine yards. We hit a drive thru before hitting the highway, and sat in the parking lot while i made my way through it all. I told him that this was what I wanted, so he got lots of goodies for the ride. On that trip I have never eaten more fast food in my life. Every few hours we were stopping for another pile of food and a bathroom trip. I bet you I gained weight just on that trip. It was also erotic as hell. We talked and talked about what I had been through, and how much I missed him taking care of me, and feeding me... He promised that the upcoming month would be wonderful. If it is anything like the ride up here, it will be !

We got here, and I was ready to get out of the car! My body isnt used to being confined like that. We pulled in, and I saw the place. Its an apartment over a garage, very nice with a deck off the back. Thats also the way up. (Ugh - I hate "up") By now, I had eaten myself into a fuzzy haze, i was tired... and the last thing i wanted to do was climb stairs, but its not like a I had a choice, so up I went. I went inside and immediately felt at home. He showed me everything, and kept asking me... " are you sure that you really dont want to go anywhere?" I told him that as logg as it was OK with him, the next time I went down the steps was to go to school.

After looking around for a while, i collapsed into the sofa and just relaxed. That sounds like no big deal, but I had not sat down and relaxed for quite some time. Its hard when you know that anyone who might see you is judging you. You never can relax. At least I couldnt. Now I could relax. I could be my very own person and not worry about what any one else is thinking. You know, it sounds really ironic, but the only place a feedee/gainer... or just plain fat person doenst feel like a fat person is at home being a fat person. Just sitting there, no make up, no special clothes, nothing hidding anything.... doenst matter if you look good bad, fat, skinny, youre just you. That was how I felt. I was just me. Not Fat me... just me.

So here I am, happily planted on a couch with no where to go, and no desire to go there! I am happy about it, in fact, im exited about it. Im even, a sleepy person and am going to take a nap.

Monday, August 07, 2006

YAY! Im going to Dan's.

Yup, he's gonna let me go with him for the rest of the summer. Which is a good thing. I can't wait to be in his arms again. I just want to be pretty again... I want to be OK... I told him that Id rather life life too fat wtih him, than at all. I told him that I hate people, and dont need to go out into the world. Ill stay home and be fat by myself, with him.

He things Im nuts, and will go crazy. But he doenst live in my body... he doesnt understand. I am perfectly willing to stay with him and live my life, even it it means not going out anymore into this cruel world. I never want to feel like I have for the last month ever again.

We have come up with a plan to once and for all determine if I could live that way. Im gonna go to is place, and for the rest of the summer, Im not going to go out. Im gonna pretend that I really cant go out, becuase Im too fat to go out.... to see how I react. I think Ill love it. He says Ill go crazy. We'll see. I just cant wait to get there!

All I want to do is die. Living in a 500 pound body without Dan is hell. I cant do anything, and all i get is hassle from everyone. I want to go anywhere but here. Someone told me I should try and get into a pool so I can not feel so heavy for a while. I have to find one. Being so big with him was wonderful. Without him... horrible. I want to be fat, eat, feed, make love, be loved, feel pretty... I want to be wit him!
I miss Dan! On the timeline, this is where passed ended, and preset begins. I am now writing " as it comes.

Three days, and I really miss him. I miss being told how pretty I am, I miss being loved, and all I get is shit about how fat I am. It feels like it did back in like grade school. The non stop comments. All we have to eat here is Salad. " What's wrong with salad dear?" asked my Mom... " We always have salad... " We have never had salad in this house until yesrateday... in my whole life! I miss feeling good about me. I hate it. THere has to be a change. Its also not easy doing things all by myself. Dan did all of my things that required physical effort... I cant do this without him... Im too freakin heavy! I have to get out of here. Im so depressed.
The Big DayWell, the day came to come home. After working hard to add 102 pounds of fat onto my body, we prepared to go home and see the reaction. We packed up the car, and off we went. I had a special outfit picked out to really add to the effect. It was a pear of blue sweat pants cut just above my knees, and a yellow tank top. Of course, they were purchased be snug at the time, and about 25 pounds ago, so they just accentuated the flab on my body like you cant imagine. .

The "shorts" were taught around my butt and stomach, which was reaching about 1/3 of the way down my thighs. And as for thighs, the flab rolls that were forming on my thighs were visible if i moved the right way and the shorts rode up some. Sitting, was a different story. There was definitely a roll or fold whatever you want to call it, on my legs above my knees. The tank top was big. It was loose enough for the rolls on my sides and back to be visible. My bra was easliy visible sicne there were no sleeves. As for my bra, it had been working over time for quite some time, so it was well worn out and didn't ovver much support. My breasts were spilling over the top of the cuffs, muffin breasts as Dan called them, which just made me look so huge. IF youre wondering why, he said they looked like a muffin spilling over the top of a muffin pan. And since the bra was shot, there was lots of movement... at least thats what Dan said. As he put it, they rocked back and forth with ever move.

It was a hot day, and we intentinally stopped about a 1/2 mile from the house and I got out of the car and walked for a while. It was really hot out, and of course, I didn;t last very long without the sweat pouring, and the red face showing up. I walked for quite a distance, and the glot back int the car and we pulled into the driveway. Now getting out of Dan's car isnt easy for me. I have to puch back against the armrest and the door frame to get back enough to get my legs out.The car rocked back and forth as I got out. I got up slow, an d started to make my way to the house. They were on the deck, and I could see their faces as I walked to them. I was really overdoing the " Its soooo hard to walk" thing. My overheated appearance really drove it home. I s l o w l y made my way up the steps, said "Hi," to everyone, and walked inside procaiming " I have to sit down." I fell into the couch, and Dan reached into my bag, got me a snickers bar, handed it to me and said, "here you go. " Mouths were hanging so low you could have flown burds into their mouths and back out.

I dont think I had ever felt so horny in my life than that moment. I introduced Dan, and we talked for a while. You know how you can tell what people are looking at? I could tell that eyes were looking at my body. Staring... with amazement. Then I had to use the John, which was upstairs. I asked Dan to help me get up, and then made my way down the hall, and lunbered upstairs. While I was up there, my Dad said to Dan... "What did she eat for a year stright? Shes massive..." He said..." I know, isnt she great?" Dad goes " Great? Shes as big as a house; SHe can barely freaking move!

I quietly made my way up the stairs, which is no easy task, made it into the john, say down and caught my breath. My face was beat red, and damp from sweating. I was exhausted from the trip upstairs, and about as erotically aroused as you can be. I over did how hard it was to move... and made sure I looked the part of a 500 pound slob. Thats what I was trying to achieve, and we both think that we did.That night, after Dan left, there was the obligatory " We need to talk..." Are you OK? You ve gained so much weight... I said.. i know, i put on a little. My Dad was like " Alittle? My dear, you are massively obese. I cringe watching you trying to move around the house. You havent stopped perspiring since you got here. " "I replied, " Im happy Dad... isnt that enough?" Well, you can fill in the blanks. It was everything I expected it to me. It was so incredible.

Now all I had to do was save up enough energy to make it upstaris, where I closed my door, opened my suicase and found 6 crispy cremes that Dan had packed for me with a note.To my Big Beauty: You looked so incredibly fat and beautiful today. The ocean of FLab moves back and forth with your every move and I cant wait to see you again and hold you in my arms as best I can. Enjoy these tonight. " I ate all six sitting naked on my bed trying to fall asleep, as it was hot in there. It was truly some day.
Singleness of Purpose.

I was off. I had made up my mind that I was going to do this. I had this over reaching goal that no matter what I did, I would spend most of the time either eating, or recovering from eating. Dan thought it was a phase that would pass... but it did not pass. In fact, I became regimented in my eating. I would made sure that even in between meals, Id have things to snack on. I read the atkins diet, since thats what everyone was doing to lose weight, and did the opposite.

It did not take long to see results. I was over 400 pounds a few weeks. By October I was 415ish. I then kind of settled into this 3 - 5 pounds a week pattern. Some weeks would be more, others less, but thats about where Id average. My body has never had any difficulty gaining weight, so this lifestyle took hold right away. By By the end of the month, I was finding that clothes were tight. I would open my pants a lot when i was sitting. I would get home and rapidly change into loose clothes again... At first, I was self conscious, but I knew that coming home would always include admiration from Dan, who was besides himself. He would make observations about my body... how things were changing.

First of all, everything started to get softer. Every area of my body was rounder or puffier. My breasts grew and I had to be careful of the muffin boobs would be very noticeable. He loved my arms and legs, as they were immediate indicators. I always had big amrs and legs, and this was adding fuel to the fire. My arms were just so flabby and my legs just jiggled more and more. As the weight came on, though, other areas started to show it. My rear end ballooned. My stomach, which for my weight was never all that large, started to grow, and hang. My double belly was more pronounced and no matter what I wore and pants, you could always see the pronounced roundness of my low hanging belly roll.

I was pushing 430 by mid November. I was starting to really feel my weight more for the first time in a long time. I mean, i had always been heavy, so I was used to it. Being suddenly so much heavier so quickly, maybe was why. Getting up out of the car, or just a longer walk, or stairs, or anything just took longer, because I was slower. Or at least, I was noticing it for the first time. I couldn't walk as fast as most people without trying.

I was starting to notice that most places were too hot, that most chairs were uncomfortable, and I had to start to figure into what I was going to be doing because my body was so heavy and large. Malls seemed endless from end to end. I started to not want to go to "big stores." Stair cases seemed longer. Buildings seemed further apart. The time before I would feel like sitting down again got shorter. I was getting really fat. And loving every minute of it.

The ironic thing is that me, this big fat girl who society says is ugly was being intimate almost every night because we were both so turned on by my increasing fatness. He loved to just look at my body and notice how i was changing, and how i felt.

After a few months, I was firmy into sweats. I had to be in clothes that gived. After all, in school, who cares right? But it was really needed. With my already thick legs getting thicker, I could not wear jeans. I couldnt find any to comfortably get over my thighs, And if I did, my belly hanging over was just not comfortable. Plus its easier to push sweats down under the roll most of the time, and up and over when i was like in the world.

More and more I started to enjoy the feeling of things not fitting, or things that didn't hide me. I started to pick things that showed off that i was fat. I started to want to look the part of "Holy cow... look at her..." When wed go out, more and more Id have to sit down, I would say things to Dan like... " My god, i just have to rest " and would sit down. Resting would require a candy bar "fine" so Id eat one and feel erotic as hell. We had established that rule early on. There were things that would warrant a fine... Sitting down would require one. yum! Hed sit with me and I could tell he was in fat girl boyfriend heaven!

The more I was aware that my body was getting heavier, I would be more driven to try harder. I knew it was working. The goal was not this far far away place. I started to think that it might actually happen. Sometimes I would eat just to see how out of the norm I could be with it.

I stayed at school for the holidays, because I didn't want them to see me until I made it. I gave the " I have to work" excuse. And I did, have to work, but there was no class and I did lots of eating and just sitting around and playing with Dan. By around February, I was knocking on 450. I was really starting to feel and live the live of a very obese person. I would want to sit if I wasn't, I was always red faced and hot after anything... the weight was making a difference. And Dan was appeplectic. The limitations that the fat on my body were placing on me were just driving him crazy. I was more and more attractive every day to him and I was loving it. If only gravity could lay off a little, this would be ok... It was getting physically harder to live under the weight. But physically harder was starting to get more and more and more erotic.

Class came back in to session and now instead of eating and working now and then, I had to eat and go to class.

As spring was approaching, so was June, and that time to go home. I was eating more furiously than ever trying to get there. More and more, I would blow things off. I said it was to eat, b ut it was really becuase I just didn't want to go out. I was approacing that 485 number and was once again big time staring matieral. People would stare all the time, point, whisper... I could feel it. Not to mention, this maybe 80 - 85 pounds of new fat was making the new warm weather very uncomfortable. I jsut wanted to stay home, in the saftey ane comfort of my place and bury myself in food. It was as if nothing else mattered, I had to get to 485.

THere were two weeks to go. I looked like hell, I needed a hair cut, I felt absolutetly huge, and Dan came over. He picked my spirits up and convinced me to go over to the laundry toe see what my body weighed. It was a long walk, and just didnt want to. He begged, puched, prodded, and we finally made our way over. I rested twice, as it was no longer a walk I could make in one leg. By the time I got there, I was so tired and overheated. We waited until the coast was clear and no one was looking. I stood on that scale, and the read 486 pounds.

Emotions were high. I was elated, exited, and a little uncredulous that I had made it. He hugged me, and we made our way back to the apt. This as truly a long walk for me right on the heels of walking over. We started up the stairs. I was 1/2 way up, and stopped. "He asked Whats wrond?" I said panting " Must rest. I cant. I have to stop." He did his " come on, you can do it... come on..." One step at a time, he got me up and into the apt. For a few minutes on those steps, I felt like " What have you done... you cant even climb one flight any more..." and all the digs from the past came up. I made it into the apt and collaped into a chair. I sat looking outside feeling a combination of sorry that I was so fat that I couldnt enjoy it, and elated that I had. With a little help from Dan, elation won.

I was going to go home 100 pounds heavier than I left. I was gong to to home much larger... much flabbier,much softer, much slower, much more out of shape than I left. And I was in pretty bad shape as it was... so you can imagine. THis huge grin came over me... this was what I had wanted, and I was ready.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Let the gains begin.

We made it home and my mind was made up. I was gonna do everything I could to pull this off. It was like this over encompassing thing. So I ate. I was like obsessed with eating. I ate all the time. I ate whenever I could. I snacked between eating. And the thing is, I have always loved to eat, so this was like putting a duck in water. I admit, I was having a blast. For the second time, I was actually happier if I got bigger. But this time, it took on a whole new light. First or all, between my new desire to be bigger, and the fact that my boyfriend found every once appealing, the fat on me started to take on an a small erotic twinge. I was aware of my fat in a good way, not in a hide it and be ashamed way. I felt fatter everyday, though I really didn't know. Things that used to make me feel bad about being fat, were now good things. Clothes were tighter, and I always wanted to open a button. Kind of like the old days... But now, it was strangely sexy, if not simply desired.

Then one night,Dan asked me to sit down one night cause we "had to talk." Panic set in... what was this all about..." I thought he was gonna break up with me.

Instead, he said... " I know that you have this desire to gain weight, and I know why you want to and all. Do you really understand what will be involved in being bigger? I mean.. you are big now... And remember, I love "bigness," but I really love you... and want to be sure that you are sure. I mean, don't think you have to be fatter for me...

Are you sure OK with actually doing this? IM just looking out for ya. " I mean, I have been watching you, and I know you know this, but you really are a very fat girl. You don't have to be fatter for me... If you are, fine, but you don;t have to.

I kind of felt that he didn't want me to... so I just asked. He said that it wasn't a questions of what he wanted... it was a questions of what I wanted, and was I ready to be a size where "the amount of fat on my body would start to factor in to everything." If I wanted it, he'd back me 100%. If I wanted to be skinny, he'd back me 100%.

I told him that i was firmly behind the idea, and If if turns out that that I change my mind, then I'll stop. I asked him to be honest, and if he suddenly found me unattractive, to tell me and Id stop. I told him that my first priority was US, and that I didn't want to mess with that. That conversation turned into a pretty amazing cuddling session that lasted a long time. So we were lying there, kind of joking about, and dreaming about that this journey would be like... Started to fantasize about what Id look like at this size and that size... We even talked about the incredible sexyness, to him, of things getting harder to do, and needing to rest more because the fat was taking hold. These were all fantasies, but we were actually about them. So we started to come up with a plan.

With that, he told me his idea of how to go about it. He called it the 6 meal plan. Every day should include 6 meals. He'd help and encourage me, and if it was ever too much that I agree now to speak up. I agreed. He made me promise. He never thought this would happen. He figured I gain maybe 20 or 30 pounds at the most and that would be that.

So, the typical day would shape up like this: Id get up and have some kind of breakfast at the apt. Couple of doughnuts... or waffles... or something. Then go to the cafeteria, ( I was on meal plan) and have real breakfast. Hit the coffee shop around 10 for like a muffin or something, lunch after 10:20 classes, fast food around 4, dinner at 7, then dinner again at the diner at 10. I started to do it, and love it! I loved all the food... It was food heaven. I just had to find a place to see what my body weighed. I had to have a start point.

Campus laundry! They have a scale... So Id sneak in to see what i weighed. We snuck in and I stood there with Dan to see that my body weighed 388 pounds. All i had on was a t shirt and shorts so we'dbe asclose a we could. So time would tell.
So, then came the day after.

I was lying there so hoping that when I opened my eyes it would not have been a dream. I was actually afraid to open them. I mean... what if it was... id b e crushed. Then i heard him stir, and realized that it was for real. I got up and started to fix something for breakfast. I was by the stove making some breakfast when from behind, came these hands that made me feel so good... before you knew it, clothes were off again, and that was it for breakfast. we wound up going out to eat. We had the most incredible weekend.

Monday came, and I had to work, and so did he. I couldn't focus on anything...I was in this haze... I don"t know how to explain it. The previous few days had been so completely opposite my entire life to this point that it " did not compute..." I found myself completely unable to function. But I admit, I was beyond happy. I could say that it had been the best few days of my life to that point.

We stayed on this path of falling hopelessly in love with each other for a few weeks and all we did was go home after work and just hang out with each other. In retrospect, we were indeed both falling hopelessly in love with each other. A the time, I thought maybe it was just me... maybe he was just a passing thing, but I was falling hard. But this notwithstanding, for those few weeks, I came to understand that I, Libby, was fat and attractive, to at least someone, a personal first. It was one of the most freeing things in my life to actually not be repulsive, even if to only one person.

There were subconscious issues growing. I was almost developing a fear that something would happen and he would stop liking me. It was occasional, but it was there. I mean, it had taken these many years to find ONE persons... what if he lost interest? One night, this fear was creeping in and he thought I was distant. He asked if I was OK, and I just blurted it out. "I am falling for you so hard, and like every other good thing that comes along in my life, something happens that usually screws it up, and I don't know what I would do... and on and on.

He just hugged me and said" Don't worry, I have spent my life like you, looking for someone. I was actually kinda feeling the same fear that I might lose you." It turns out we both were indeed in the same boat.

I started to feel comfortable. I started to think if me first, and fat me, second. I would go out places and not think that every single human being, dog, cat, hamster, etc. was laughing at me. I even thought of myself as a female, and occasionally tried to intentionally be sexy. I mean, most thin pretty girls can wear something skimpy, or sexy, or make up, or do something to lure their guy to keep it fresh. I didn't think I could do this, but I could be fat... so that is what I did. I kinda stopped picking out clothes that were basically tents, I stopped trying to desperately hide as much of me as I could. I stopped being self conscious in a restaurant thinking that people were looking at me judging that fact that I wasn't eating lettuce. I mean, me and eating was who I was, and not having to be ashamed of me was a first. I don't even think it was intentional. I And he was fine with going out and getting good stuff to eat... so, advantage me! We did a lot of it... We just did what dating kids did... and I was in heaven.

But as time passed, I did start to learn the things about MY body that turned him on. It was a new thing... I never thought there was anything about me would turn anyone on. Things that I traditionally thought would turn guys off... like my big arms, or legs... that funny bumpiness around my pudgy areas... like my tummy or arms pits... things like that. Even something simple like a fat roll showing a little through a shirt could be a turn on. Imagine that!

So I spent the summer learning how not to hate myself. Learning that I was ok, even though I was carrying around all this fat. I learned to not think about me as a fat girl first, but as ME... Libby. And by the way, I was fat, but that was like someone else who was _____ with long hair, of _____ who was tall, I was fat. And there was someone who looked at my body and , forginve me, thought I was hot! Imagine that! I spent the summer basically falling in love with Dan, and with me. It was the best few months of my life.

It was August, and school would start soon. I went home to visit the family with Dan. I was so happy to have someone to bring someone home cause I never had before. We pulled in the driveway and walked in. We were glad to see everyone, and I felt so wonderful. I felt like a normal person. I felt like for the time, I was everyone else. My dad had always said.. " you're never gonna find someone all fat like that..." I had proved him wrong.

So we went. Well, when we were there, this "thing" happened. My dad pulled Dan aside and thinking I was out of ear shot asked him " Whats with you? My daughter is a blob... What is wrong with you? are you playing her?" Dan said, " I like your daughter, sir. We're good friends. I think she's really special, and her weight is not a problem with me. My dad told him "Well you're buts."

I was crushed. I was so crushed you have no idea. In that instant, I felt like I had my entire life. The pain of every day prior to Dan came rushing in. I was just fat, obese freak again. To think that my Dad actually said this! Dan knew that it hit me hard, and he came to me and tried his best to change the subject. But the damage was done. I just wanted to leave... I just wanted to get out of that place. I just wanted to not be any part of my past any more. I wanted to be at my new life... the one I had had for the past few months. We promptly left, and as soon as we drove off, I started to cry. Uncontrollably. I felt so... sub human. To think that even my father thought anyone who liked me was like... messed up! UUUUUGh! I was so upset...Dan was my rock. He told me that most parents don't understand their kids, and not to dwell. H assured me that he did not agree with my dad at all. And I just sat there kind of silent and reflective. After a while and it turned into anger. Dan was very comforting. He let me just sit and calm down.

After a while, he asked "are you ok?" He just told me not to worry, that my dad was just wrong... but it didn't help. I just was so mad at him. I was so mad at my past. I was starting to realize that I actually could be happy despite that fact that I was fat, and that this "ugly fat" I had lugged around my whole life was actually one of the reasons I found him. This odd idea began to evolve.

So I said to Dan... " You know what I want to do... I want to be as fat I want. I want no guilt. I want to show them that I can be both fat and happy. The next time I see him, I want to be fatter... to gain lots of weight and go home and show him." I want the next time he sees for me to be like... huge and happy.

I was half kidding, half serious. I said... " I feel like eating... pull off." We got off the highway and I went into a Wendys and ate and ate. I was like so full... then I had this long ride to deal with. So I put the seat back and tried to get some sleep. From Ohio and Eastern NY, a 13 hour ride, we stopped 7 times so I could eat. I just had this massive like... craving for over eating. We even talked about it for almost the whole time. Dad didn't want to rain on my parade, or pity party depending on your point of view. Then I asked Dan how he's feel if I got fatter? His thought was... "I love you. I love who you are. I don't love you because you are fat. Yes, I find your body extremely attractive, and your weight is a part of that. But if you were 100 of 500 pounds tomorrow, I would love you the same. You have become my best friend. If you are fat(er) or thin(er), I like you. You do what you want. Of course, the thought of you fatter is erotic as heck, but everyone has fantasies... and I am under no illusions that fantasy is not reality.

I sat in the car and both felt warm and loved, and stewed about what had happened. I wanted to take control of it. By the time we got back to school, I had concocted this idea to actually try to gain weight... like I did back in the 7th grade... but this time, I wanted to gain weight... like noticeable weight. I fixated on this silly idea of trying to gain 100 pounds before going home again. Dan told me that this was difficult goal ... A, the next time we were due home was Thanksgiving. I told him... I would not go home until next summer. I would make up whatever excuses I had to. B, That is a lot of weight, and I wasn't small to begin with. As incredibly sexy I'd be, he didn't want to see me do something I'd regret.

He has since told me that he never thought Id really do it, and was only playing along to be supportive. But, I was just on a mission. Being fat was indeed something I was good at, and I could control this. For the first time, me being fat would be something I did, not something that happened. I didn't think I could do it, all 100 pounds, but I was gonna give it my best shot. And looking back, really didn't understand the implications of living in a 500 pound body. Time would tell.

Friday, July 28, 2006

A Fat Frosh and a boyfriend?!

I got a job at the school, and left in July to get away from everything at home. I was going to work at the library until school started. I needed the money anyway, so it was my ticket out.
I arrived for my first year of college at a 385 pounds. I had lost a little weight before getting there and was looking forward to my new life without any one else I knew. A fresh start... I did really well, to. For the first time in my life, I was getting smaller.

Maybe everyone's focus wouldn't be on the fact that there was fat on my body... a concept that really got to lots of people back home wigged out. Maybe they would meet ME... I started doing what society says a fat person is supposed to do. Eat salad all the time, and walk a lot. And I did. Well, I tried to anyway. I found out that I couldn't really walk all that far at first, but I was trying.I made some friends, nice genuine people. We had fun. Imagine that! Me! Having fun with others. I lost another 45 pounds in the coming months and was feeling so good about it. 350 pounds was in sight! And I was making friends!

One of those people was a guy named Dan. He was this sweet guy who treated me like a friend, no actually became my friend. Something I had never really had before. We talked about everything. We'd stay up late just talking about our lives, hurts, triumphs, everything. And he was nice to me even though I was fat! Something I just couldn't believe. I even opened up a little about my life as a fat chick and he opened up about being a friendless nerd, so we connected.

Then something happened.

He asked me if "I er, wanted to, er, go maybe to see, er a possible might, want to , go , er, and , maybe see a , er a, movie, or something. " Assuming that this was a friendly request, I didn't understand the "er um, er" thing. I was like " Sure. But later that night, I started to feel like... "Maybe that was being asked out on a date and I missed it."

Then I looked at myself in the mirror, and said, "Nah!" Can't be. No one would ever want to go out with me. Then I started to feel that empty fat girl feeling. I had seen all these cute guys all my life that I would never have a chance of dating, becuase I was still so repulsively fat. And that theme just covered me up. I was so depressed. I didn't go out and hang out in front of the dorm that night like I used to. I just sat in my room looking out the window. I started crying. I felt that I was trapped under all this fat. And I couldn't get rid of it... I was so so... ugly.

It was getting late, and if I were going to go to this movie, I would have to get ready. I cleaned up, got dressed, and went downstairs. I started having movie seat anxiety, cause I really dont fit in those very welll. At least I didn't like 3 years ago... Anyhow, we met, and went out to the theatre in the mall. We were on line for tickets, and there was a nice sunset behind us. We were standing there and he took my hand. All of a sudden i realized that OMG We were holding hands! I was so confused. What was happening here? Anyhow, we got in and started looking for seats. We were goint to see The Incredibles, by the way. We fianlly made it in and started to thank god that theaters are dimly lit so the trying to stuff my body into this chair would be so obvious. Anyhow, I made it. Something that was a bit iffy for me, but I made it. I was trying to hide the fact that I was in that seat like a sardine. The lights went down, and the movie started. It was an awesome movie! But about 1/2 way through, he stretched, and then put his arm around me.

Now I was really mind snapped. Me, I, Libby, the fat chick is in a theater with a guy who earlier had held my hand, with his arm around me making me fell like he actually likes me. Likes as in... This actually IS a date. The show ended, and he was like... lets get some ice cream. So we did, and we sat outside a Dairy Queen in his car for like hours, just talking. I was actually having a really nice time. When they turned the lights out, we left. We went back to school, and he walked me home. At my dorm he turned and said, I had a really nice time. I said, Thanks, me too. It was fun. Then he kind of put his arms out to give me a hug, so I thought, and he kissed me! He actually kissed me! I couldn't believe it! I was blown over... He said see ya tomorrow, and went off. I stood there like " What happened here?"

All night I was like... " What just happened?" That night I decided... that's it. This is a nice guy, and im never gonna have a chance to be with a guy like this... im going to really diet and get pretty. I can do this. The next night, he stopped over for a while, and we were gonna go over to the cafeteria and get dinner. I had a small salad, and then he asked to go for a little walk. We were laughing about whatever and dinner came up... cause it was pretty poor. He was like... "The Salad... what is that all about... Thats it? how can you survive on rabbit food?" I sarcastically said... " You dont think Im gonna starve any time soon do you? " and he said... what do you mean? And i said "In case you didn't notice, a few small meals are probably a good thing for someone like me." Again... " What do you mean?" I said... "Im not exactly tiny." And he said... "So?" I just brushed it off as a polite comment.

We went back to my room and got stuck watching two episodes of House. I LOVE that show. Then some acne infomercial came one and we turned it off. And just started talking. He couldn't believe that people would be so inclined to try anything to get rid of acne, or lose weight, or grow hair, or whatever. And he said... IM glad you don't do that stuff." i was like... "Huh?" He leaned over and said " I think you're pretty just the way you are," and proceeded to kiss me. More than just a goodnight kiss, though.

We kissed for like 30 seconds... and I honestly didn't know what to do. I felt his hands on my side, and was SO self conscious cuase i knew there was a big fat roll there! Funny the times you think of stuff... Here I was, the fat girl being kissed. I was dumbfounded. I said the dumbest thing you can imagine... I said " You are aware you are kissing a fat girl." Then he confessed that he was fully aware that I was fat. He had noticed it a few weeks ago. chuckle chuckle Then he said " Dispite this revelation, I still think youre pretty and kissed me again. This time, he gently lissed me for like several minutes or more. And this was the way it was for the rest of the night. Talk , Kiss for a while, talk, kiss for a while... and so on.

He confessed that he found me attractive the minute he first saw me, in fact, the fact that I was fat was for him, a good thing. I just didn't get it. I had been told my whole life how ugly I was, and this guy likes me... This made absolutely no sense to me. Then he asked me "do you mind?" I thought "mind what? not being repulsive?

We kissed some more, we talked a lot, We talked about my life as an obese child, and how I had lived with it, and dealt with it, and so on. He told me that there was a fat girl in his grade growing up that he liked in jr. high... but never had the nerve to say anything. I just couldn't believe that this male was actually attracted to me. I was just so extremely aware of every move. Every time he would touch me at all, I was so aware of what he would feel. After all, there was no hiding my size...He's bound to feel a flab roll.

I could no longer lie on my side holding up my head, so I rolled over a bit. Then he started giving me the most awesome back rub. I mean, I guess it was... I have never had one before. It just felt so good. I had never had anyone do anything like this to me before. Then he slipped his hands under my shirt and pushed my shirt up a bit to reveal my back. I immediately got super self conscious...I kinda started to pull it down to cover some. I half laughed and said " Im not that kind of girl!" It was like a nervous knee jerk thing. We laughed, and he said... thats not what i mean... for the back rub - I'm not getting fresh, honest " Then I was faced with letting him continue, which I REALLY wanted to, and by doing so letting him actually see all the rolls of fat hanging off my sides and back, or stopping. I was on emotional overload. Fear, vs. desire.

He picked up on it, pulled my shirt down and said "you don't have to, its OK. And I was like... " No its not that..." It feels good, I don't know whats wrong with me..." I felt like I was gonna cry. And he said" You are you afraid that I might see that you are indeed big, and that this is not a disguise, aren't you? " I laughed a little, then teared up and said... I don't know why I'm like this. IM so ... nervous. I'm Sorry. This is the first time I have ever been touched in any way. Im so sorry, its not you. " No one has ever seen my body before... Then he came close, put his arms around me and said "It's OK. Fell better. Just feel better." He just held me. I started crying...that silent body jumping cry... He asked me what was wrong, and I said " I don't know... I just have never felt this way before... " He asked " What way?" I said... " Liked... warm... wanted... and scared at the same time. " He just kept holding me until I was calm. I felt so safe.

Then I rolled onto my tummy and pulled the back of my shirt up and asked, "would you please?" He just rubbed my back for the longest time. As he was doing it, I could feel his hands feeling each fold, and curve. I had this feeling that he was liking it as much as I was... I felt 1/2 embarrassed, and 1/2 exited. He said- "See, the way I see it, you are sitting here afraid that I might wake up and see just how big you really are and run away. You think that Im gonna come to my senses and leave repulsed. Just the opposite... I want to stay right here and never leave. I honestly think you might be the most beautiful person I have ever met... inside and out. The crying started again. He stopped and said... Was it something I said?" I said yes... it was... I have never been so happy."

He kept going, then after getting stuck on the back of my bra like 20 times, I said... " This is in the way..." and opened my bra. Now I was on my tummy, so that was ok, but now everything really was exposed. I will admit that I had never felt this way before in my life. I was so exited, so alive... It was unbelievable. He never did push it, and after my back rub, he turned the other way and said... go ahead, cover up. I wont peek. I was stunned - he was so... respectful? Is that right... I don't know...he wasn't just trying to see... he cared about me. Anyhow, I took a little walk on the wild side and rolled over and took bra off under my shirt and said OK.

Now I was sitting there in a blue t shirt with no bra. A t shirt that didnt really hide anything. My bresats have never really had any shape, they just hang down, so with no bra, the normal "sort of girl shape" is gone. I know I have large nipples and im sure they were poking through. I felt so ... daring. We stayed that way for a while. I was there in all my raw fatness... And I didn't feel weird. Nothing baggy... Nothing over sized... No bra even to keen things from getting out of hand. I was sitting like I had for years when I was enjoying the comfort of alone-ness. I felt kind of comfortable. We talked some more, then I said to him... You might be the nicest person and best friend I have ever had. I leaned over and kissed him. Something I had never done before... and we kissed for a while. I admit that I was starting to like all this. Of course exploring hands had to do their thing. I started feeling a little more comfortable and while we were "making out," I reached down and slid my hands under his shirt and started to just caress and explore. I had never felt anyone before... it was fun. I couldn't believe this was happening. I kept hoping i wouldn't wake up.

Then, as I was, he started exploring me. At one point i couldn't believe that someone was touching my belly... it was just so surreal. Then he just went up a little an cupped a breast. WOW. This rush just came over me... another set of hands, for the first time, was touching me there. For the first time, I realized how sensitive my nipples are. I had never felt that level of arousal in my life. Then, I figured, what the hell... You only live once... I suddenly had this desire to be feminine - to see what it feels like to attract someone... to be pretty... I don't know what i was thinking. I cant put it into words... I stopped, stared right at him, rolled up onto my knees and took my shirt off. There I was... bare chested and bare bellyed. I had never done this before in my entire life. He approached me, said "you're so beautiful" Then I pushed my pants down to below my belly, and let it all hang. I was on the edge, as they say. thrill of a lifetime.

Before long, we were naked. I can not describe in words how I felt. FOr the first time, I felt like a real person. Someone liked ME! I started to actually want him to look at my body, cause I felt like he liked it. I took of my pants, and before long, he had explored all of me. There were no more secrets. We wound up naked, sitting on a futon watching the sun come up over the horizon. It was the very best night of my life.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

History of a fat kid

Ok, well, i've never done this sort of thing, so hopefully it will be a decent record of my time here. My name is Libby. I am going into my second year of college, and im about 115 pounds heavier than when I started, and thus the name Fatter Soph. Now, you may ask, what is the deal with the fatter thing? I have been very obese for my entire life. And for most of my life, I hated it. I hated being fat, I hated myself, I hated everyone else, and at times dreamed of dying. Perhaps it would be easier... Anyhow, that has changed, and I have embraced my latest round of gaining weight, and this is my story of why... etc. I am currently right around 500 and
for the rest of the summer, I have moved in with my BF and am in the middle of an experiment, which I will get into later.

Now for some history. I was fat since like... birth. Maybe earlier. Dont really know why, but I was a really fat kid long before I knew what being fat was. I had never really been aware of it. I mean, I guess I knew i was bigger that other kids, but it didn't really mean anything to me emotionally. No one bothered me, or even mentioned the fact that my body was fat. Looking back, its not hard to understand why I never really went out to play and stuff. There was lots and lots of sitting around and watching TV, because, I just did. I guess when you're fat, its harder to do things... and running and playing was more work. I didn't understand that then... It was just all I really knew... not on purpose. Sitting around a lot and munching a lot equals a fat kid.

Anyhow, the indifference of being fat kinda ended when school started, cause until then, it never bothered me at all... in fact, I didn't really realize that I was fat. Again, I knew i was bigger than other kids, but it didn't mean anything to me. But once school started, the bliss of being a kid was over. The fun poking started day one. I was six years old and off to school. A new experience. A lot of the others knew each other, but I really didn't. I was kinda off to myself cuase no one wanted to hang out with me. I was right around 100 pounds, which is pretty fat for a 6 year old. Before the end of the day, I was called Chubbs. There were " Why are you so fat" questions, comments like... skip lunch Chubbs... I felt horribly embarrassed. I just wanted to be home... where no one bothered me about it. Day one, I had realized that being with "others" meant feeling badly about myself.

When the day was over, I did what I always did: went home, plopped down by the the TV and pretty much ate until dinner. then had dinner, then probably watched TV for a while and munched on something else. This was nothing new... kind of my life to this point. . Its not like I was thinking " I want to go home and eat so I can get fatter." Its just what I did. My favorite activity was watching TV, a physically comfortable thing to do, and eating. I never started to breathe heavier watching TV, nor would I sweat, feel tired, or have that funny " I just want to sit down" feeling. It was what I had done to pass time for most of my six year life. And I was basically happy with that. I also liked eating... it was something to do that I enjoyed. There was no mental connection yet between eating too much and being fat.

But for those first few school days, I quickly realized that people had a problem with me. The fact that my body was bigger than their's was pointed out to me maybe 50 or 60 times a day. It was almost an obsession with some, to remind me of this. And hurtfully. It wasn't enough to tell me I was fat. There needed to be a digging horrible comment that went along with it.

Then came the ultimate humiliation. The first Gym Class.

Now, I had never done any of this... I was six! I had no cognative knowledge that I COULDN'T run around for an hour, nor that I would look so incredibly different from the other kids trying to do so. But I learned very early in life that Gym was the worlds best chance to to humiliate me, and if there is a hell somewhere after life, this was like... hell training camp. First of all, I couldn't do anything that the others could do. Their bodies could run and jump, and move in ways mine couldn't. Now did I know, this? no. Even sitting on the floor Indian style was hard for me. I couldn't really close my legs all the way, so I would have one like loosely out a little and I guess I looked funny doing it. I got snikkers from them for this. "She cant even sit down shes so fat." I was apparently not graceful enough getting up off the floor, so I got laughs for that.

Then came "lets see what everyone can do" trials. He called it "warm up." We had to run around the gym like 4 times then do things like jumping jacks, and such. This was the moment that the FAT I was carrying around made its effects really known to me, and first got between me and fitting in. I mean, to this point, I have never needed my body, in my 6 long years, to do anything physical. I just didn't do these things.

We all lined up on one wall, and were told to jog around the gym. We were supposed to do this 4 times. Everyone else like took off. Now, I did to, I thought, but after a few steps, I was falling behind. I tried to go faster, which I could do for a little bit, like maybe 20 steps. But very quickly, I just couldn't. Within like 30 seconds, I was absolutely dead last in the jog around the gym. That quickly became walking, then jogging a little again, then walking, then trying to walk ... like faster, then panting more, then starting to feel like I just needed to stop, but didn't dare... then just plain panic, because I just didn't know if I would actually make it to the end of this course. I was trying so hard to catch my breath and sweating bullets. I was starting the last lap when the others were finished watching this performance. The feelings during that last lap were the feelings that would be with me with almost any time I would have contact with others until college. Utter Humiliation. And not a damn thing I could do about it. I just couldn't get my body to do it. The fat on me was just too heavy for this.

I was physically exhausted, emotionally fried, it was awful. I crossed the "line," and just stood there struggling to catch my breath. My gym shorts were hanging down, my shirt clinging to my sweaty self, and for the first time, I realized that I couldn't BECAUSE I was fat... I just couldn't. And the others seized upon that and pointed it out all the time. The only thing I could do as well as they could was sit. And even then, I'm sure i was doing it wrong. The we lined up and had to do the jumping jack thing. And in my current state of panting and sweating, I could no more do a jumping jack than the man in the moon. I tried to just move my arms but the bastard teacher wouldn't stand for that. He insisted that i do it right, and made everyone aware that I wasn't. Now I had 30 teachers pointing out when I was doing it wrong, which was basically always. Or that I couldn't lift my middle for a push up, or that I couldn't do one sit up. All I NEEDED to do was just sit down for a while... please?!

From that day forward, nerves would set in at night when I'd realize that I would have to go to that place the next day. After DAY ONE, I knew in my heart that the safest place to be was by myself. The only trouble with that was that I would usually be by myself watching TV and eating. So thus, you can maybe understand how it is that I grew up as such a fat kid.

It didn't take long for me to dread school. Id say within the first month, I had figured out that I could "feel sick" on gym day, and that might get me out of it. Which worked until the school called the house and said that say "believed they saw a pattern" and brought it to my mom's attention. Now I needed doctors notes and all to miss school on gym day. Everything was like this. They were like on a mission to make me as miserable and humiliated a possible.

And this was grade school. All throughout grades 1 - 6, It just got worse, because my body got heavier and heavier, and fast. My shape, or body type made the fact that I was fat so plain to see. My body was getting softer and softer, and flabbier. I had really thick arms and legs, and i had a belly that would hang over any skirt or pants unless i kept them high over the roll, so that's what I would try to do. I And they'd laugh more and more, and I go home more and eat more, and it just went on and on.

And with that, came more and more limitation, and introspection. Looking back, I gained somewhere around 20 - 30 pounds a year. I found the file in my parents house which had all the notes from the nurses office, so I have the numbers. I had to go to the nurse like 4 times a year to see how they were doing with "helping" me. All they actually helped me with was helping me wanting to go home, hide, and eat. I called it torturing me. The school says I was 116 pounds at the start of first grade, 134 at second, 157 at third, 183 at fourth, an even 210 at fifth, 236 at sixth. Every time they would read the number off the scale, it was followed by " Libby, we really need to get a handle on this." Somewhere around 4th grade, they started calling me Boobs, becuase I had them. Not because I was developing breasts yet, real breasts, I was just developing lots of fat there, and it looked that way. And they moved and wiggled a lot, so early in the 4th grade, I started wearing bras. And heavier shirts to try and hide that I was wearing them, cuase once that cat was out of the bag, they had a field day. And this was grade school.

Junior high was no different. I went to the first gym class and just refused to do anything. I would come up with a ailment that would keep me from it, so someone figured out what I was up to. This time, though, they had a better idea. They knew that I couldn't really participate in gym class, so they came up with an empowering, self image boosting idea. When the others would go to gym, I would go to the nurse's office where she make me walk the hallways in the school. I had to put on these stupid gym clothes that really didn't fit me. The polyester shorts just wouldn't stay up over my belly and so the elastic waist band would settle under my belly making it look as big as possible, and the clingy shirt just emphasized every fold, or roll, or whatever you want to call the "curves" of my body. The humiliation from being made to walk up and down the halls in front of everyone was about as bad as is could get. There were actually a few times I thought that suicide would actually be better than showing up to do this. "This was be sure that I was getting exersize." They knew gym was worthless, cause I would sit and watch. I would either move so slow that that others would not want me on their team, or I would invent something that hurt, so I didn't have to participate. I was made to attend nutrition counseling... which is another name for "lets make the fat kid feel like dirt" time.

None of it worked. I was now that age where girls stared to like boys and boys started to like girls. Girls want to be pretty, and feel attractive, I was neither. I became more withdrawn, and by now, found food as my friend. I at times, just longed for the feeling of food in my mouth. Hormones had arrived, and so did things like breasts and hips. Now, I already had breasts and hips, but just flab. As the actual breasts, hips and girl curves arrived, I became the human flab sack. My chest was suddenly exploding. Before hormones, I was in a C cup bra, just flab. By 8th grade, I was wearing a DD,and still growing, and they never stayed where they were supposed to. Most of the time, my boobs would just move around enough to not quite be in the cup so I would regularly have muffin boobs. Every inch of my body had fat on it, but now, it was all just turning to flab. My arms ballooned, my thighs , the rolls on me all just started to hang and get super soft.

And food, what was causing all of this, was my escape. It was almost a drug. Food was my friend. It never made fun of me, never made me feel bad. It just tasted good and was always there. Puberty was in full swing, bodies were changing, and I was gaining weight faster than ever before. I started the 7th grade at 255 pounds or there abouts. I was so entrenched in this eating thing, that I was almost like an addict. I just wanted to be home alone, left alone. I would actively long to have food in my mouth.

I just just wanted to go home, get out of the tight, uncomfortable clothes, and put on a pair of super big sweats cut offs and a t shirt. My wire in my bra would usually be painful by days end, so with no one home, I could take it off and just hang. And would be no one home, so no one would see my giant boobs wobbling back and forth under my shirt, my arms and thighs jiggling, and my belly hanging out under my shirt when I stood up. I could sit on the sofa and just eat. The comfort from eating eclipsed that the food I was stuffing in to my mouth was adding the volume of fat on my body. Every morning I would struggle harder to stuff myself into clothes to go to that horrible place again. I would look at my self and hated the the fact that I was getting fatter... You may ask... if I didn't want to be fat, why did I eat so much? That was the question for the ages.

8th Grade started, and I was around 280 pounds. I hated this weighing thing to... I heard her say 280 pounds, and I just felt so huge... so humiliated... How to stop getting weighed? Then I had an idea. Lets get it over with... For the first time in my life, I hatched this funny idea to gain weight on purpose. I wanted to "show them." I wanted to get to 300 pounds and get it over with. I had been told over and over " If you're not careful, you're gonna be 300 pounds." I was tired of hearing it.

It was easier than being afraid of it, i guess. Maybe there was this thought that if I were trying to do it, I would be in control, not the other way around. Plus, our scale only went to 299, and would never again have to get weighed! So I set out for the first time in my left to intentionally make my body heavier.

I would go home every day and eat to eat... not eat just because i liked eating. I was eating with the express purpose to try and make by body heavier. I would try to eat things that might do it faster. There were days that Id eat so much, I'd feel sick. I started to be able to eat more and more, and then there were days that I'd run out of stuff to eat. These days started to come more often so I started to plan the night before what Id eat, or how I would get enough food to get to that " I can't eat another morsel" point. Id go home and finish an entire box of cereal. One day I made myself, and ate, 11 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from after school to bed time. Lets not forget... Id always eat dinner to.

Id stash food in my room so I could eat after dinner. Soon, nothing fit. Everything was tight. I had to tear the sleeves a little on my after school stuffing t shirts. The flab just piled on.

It took 67 days. On the 67th day, I stepped on the scale in our bathroom, and for the first time, it said "0" Which meant my body weighed 300 pounds. It was a weird feeling - it was a private triumph that only I would know about. I did something I never did...I took all of my clothes off and stood in front of my mirror. I had always avoided lookingI at myself closely... But this time, I just started at my body. I was kinda revolted but it But this time, I wanted to "look" at my 300 pound body, something I rarely wanted to see. I was almost proud of it in a weird way. I had this double belly thing that just hung down, i had these large hanging fat sacks called boobs, big arms, legs, cheeks, everything. I was this gross pile of flab. I was just gross.

But... They could say all they wanted... the didn't know I was 300 pounds! I was almost giddy. Now, however, I was starting to get used to eating more, so my standard eating, was more than it used to be. All in all, I gained almost 40 pounds that year. I started the 9th grade at 337 pounds. I was becoming that person that everyone in the world stared at cuase I was so out of the norm of what a 14 year old girl should look like. Most 14 year old girls don't have flab that jiggles and sways over almost every part of her body.

High school was more of the same, but more and more withdrawn. The good part, though, was that nurse's office thing ended. I guess at the high school age, they figure you're old enough to be left alone. I don't know. I made a few friends, no one really close, but a few people that I was friendly with. But basically, I spent time with myself. I had learned to be a loaner, and enjoy solitude.

I hated my body more and more. I hated being with people more and more. By myself, I was ok. But with others around, I would have to wear clothes a certain way, an sweaters and things to hide me, and layers and stuff to try and hide a roll or something...

I would just wait long to be by myself so I could push my pants, or skirts under my belly, and just be at peace. I could unhook the bra, open a button or two and just be comfortable. I didn't have to worry about someone seeing to much of me... which was almost any of me. I didn't have to try and look a certain way, or try to somehow hide the fat on my body... which I really couldn't do anyway. And this just went on for a my first two high school years.

But then came a huge addition to my life... I could drive! I could drive in junior year. Now, I could go out places. Not that I really wanted to go anywhere, but I could. And anywhere I did have to go, I could try to park close, and keep my body out of the view of as many people as possible for the longest possible period of time. I could also go out to drive thrus and get food. I did a lot of this. I LOVED drive thru food, and could enjoy it without getting out of the car. I used to go almost every day on the way home from school and get lots of stuff to eat until dinner time. Sometimes, I would make multiple trips! I had no idea what i weighed, and didn't care. I knew I was getting bigger, cause I was always out growing stuff. But that's just what I always did... get bigger. I outgrew clothes at a pretty fast pace, and I was retreating into things like sweats and stretchy stuff, so the fact that I was gaining as much weight as I was, was slipping by me. The fat was indeed, piling on my body.

I had a true double belly that hung down. I had so no wanted that. I was almost trying to find ways to keep it from happening. I put tape once on the top roll hoping to heep it from drooping. My breasts were very large, my rear and thighs were really big, I was just a mess. I had these gigantic arms that made me look even fatter, so the fat was definitely taking over quickly. I hated to see myself. I mean, I did, but I didn't really look at myself.

Things were starting to get a little harder. Stairs, back seats in cars, things like that. I couldn't walk as fast as the others... again, looking back I can see these things. Didn't then...

Then I found out how heavy my body was becoming, and I was kinda stunned. I fell and broke my wrist. Had nothing to do with being fat, just tripped over the dog. Went to the ER, and there, found out that I was 410 pounds. I made the woman do it again. I could not possible be 410 pounds... I was. I had no idea that I had gained that much fat. I couldn't believe that number! I went home and cried. I one again disrobed in front of my mirror and really looked at my body... and started to really notice that I had become a series of folds and creases and every part of me was round. I again had this weird feeling looking at myself. Even my arms had little folds near my elbows. I stood there and got more and more depressed looking at this mountain of flab. Then, promptly wend and ate something.

Then, my aunt died. I was devastated. She was always nice to me. She was fat to, and tried really hard to make me feel OK about me. She was my best friend. Between missing her, and secretly feeling that I might die cause I was fat, I started losing weight. I ate nothing but 7 up and skittles for like a few months. I made it down to like 380 before school ended. It was the first time I had ever lost a pound in my life. Then I started to actually feel like " I can do this. I don't have to be like this forever, so I started to hatch this plan to lose all this fat in college. I would know no one, so I wouldn't have all the years of baggage with me... so that was the plan.

I got a job at the school, and left in July to get away from everything at home. I was going to work at the library until school started. I needed the money anyway, so it was my ticket out.