Wednesday, August 02, 2006

So, then came the day after.


I was lying there so hoping that when I opened my eyes it would not have been a dream. I was actually afraid to open them. I mean... what if it was... id b e crushed. Then i heard him stir, and realized that it was for real. I got up and started to fix something for breakfast. I was by the stove making some breakfast when from behind, came these hands that made me feel so good... before you knew it, clothes were off again, and that was it for breakfast. we wound up going out to eat. We had the most incredible weekend.

Monday came, and I had to work, and so did he. I couldn't focus on anything...I was in this haze... I don"t know how to explain it. The previous few days had been so completely opposite my entire life to this point that it " did not compute..." I found myself completely unable to function. But I admit, I was beyond happy. I could say that it had been the best few days of my life to that point.

We stayed on this path of falling hopelessly in love with each other for a few weeks and all we did was go home after work and just hang out with each other. In retrospect, we were indeed both falling hopelessly in love with each other. A the time, I thought maybe it was just me... maybe he was just a passing thing, but I was falling hard. But this notwithstanding, for those few weeks, I came to understand that I, Libby, was fat and attractive, to at least someone, a personal first. It was one of the most freeing things in my life to actually not be repulsive, even if to only one person.

There were subconscious issues growing. I was almost developing a fear that something would happen and he would stop liking me. It was occasional, but it was there. I mean, it had taken these many years to find ONE persons... what if he lost interest? One night, this fear was creeping in and he thought I was distant. He asked if I was OK, and I just blurted it out. "I am falling for you so hard, and like every other good thing that comes along in my life, something happens that usually screws it up, and I don't know what I would do... and on and on.

He just hugged me and said" Don't worry, I have spent my life like you, looking for someone. I was actually kinda feeling the same fear that I might lose you." It turns out we both were indeed in the same boat.

I started to feel comfortable. I started to think if me first, and fat me, second. I would go out places and not think that every single human being, dog, cat, hamster, etc. was laughing at me. I even thought of myself as a female, and occasionally tried to intentionally be sexy. I mean, most thin pretty girls can wear something skimpy, or sexy, or make up, or do something to lure their guy to keep it fresh. I didn't think I could do this, but I could be fat... so that is what I did. I kinda stopped picking out clothes that were basically tents, I stopped trying to desperately hide as much of me as I could. I stopped being self conscious in a restaurant thinking that people were looking at me judging that fact that I wasn't eating lettuce. I mean, me and eating was who I was, and not having to be ashamed of me was a first. I don't even think it was intentional. I And he was fine with going out and getting good stuff to eat... so, advantage me! We did a lot of it... We just did what dating kids did... and I was in heaven.

But as time passed, I did start to learn the things about MY body that turned him on. It was a new thing... I never thought there was anything about me would turn anyone on. Things that I traditionally thought would turn guys off... like my big arms, or legs... that funny bumpiness around my pudgy areas... like my tummy or arms pits... things like that. Even something simple like a fat roll showing a little through a shirt could be a turn on. Imagine that!

So I spent the summer learning how not to hate myself. Learning that I was ok, even though I was carrying around all this fat. I learned to not think about me as a fat girl first, but as ME... Libby. And by the way, I was fat, but that was like someone else who was _____ with long hair, of _____ who was tall, I was fat. And there was someone who looked at my body and , forginve me, thought I was hot! Imagine that! I spent the summer basically falling in love with Dan, and with me. It was the best few months of my life.

It was August, and school would start soon. I went home to visit the family with Dan. I was so happy to have someone to bring someone home cause I never had before. We pulled in the driveway and walked in. We were glad to see everyone, and I felt so wonderful. I felt like a normal person. I felt like for the time, I was everyone else. My dad had always said.. " you're never gonna find someone all fat like that..." I had proved him wrong.

So we went. Well, when we were there, this "thing" happened. My dad pulled Dan aside and thinking I was out of ear shot asked him " Whats with you? My daughter is a blob... What is wrong with you? are you playing her?" Dan said, " I like your daughter, sir. We're good friends. I think she's really special, and her weight is not a problem with me. My dad told him "Well you're buts."

I was crushed. I was so crushed you have no idea. In that instant, I felt like I had my entire life. The pain of every day prior to Dan came rushing in. I was just fat, obese freak again. To think that my Dad actually said this! Dan knew that it hit me hard, and he came to me and tried his best to change the subject. But the damage was done. I just wanted to leave... I just wanted to get out of that place. I just wanted to not be any part of my past any more. I wanted to be at my new life... the one I had had for the past few months. We promptly left, and as soon as we drove off, I started to cry. Uncontrollably. I felt so... sub human. To think that even my father thought anyone who liked me was like... messed up! UUUUUGh! I was so upset...Dan was my rock. He told me that most parents don't understand their kids, and not to dwell. H assured me that he did not agree with my dad at all. And I just sat there kind of silent and reflective. After a while and it turned into anger. Dan was very comforting. He let me just sit and calm down.

After a while, he asked "are you ok?" He just told me not to worry, that my dad was just wrong... but it didn't help. I just was so mad at him. I was so mad at my past. I was starting to realize that I actually could be happy despite that fact that I was fat, and that this "ugly fat" I had lugged around my whole life was actually one of the reasons I found him. This odd idea began to evolve.

So I said to Dan... " You know what I want to do... I want to be as fat I want. I want no guilt. I want to show them that I can be both fat and happy. The next time I see him, I want to be fatter... to gain lots of weight and go home and show him." I want the next time he sees for me to be like... huge and happy.

I was half kidding, half serious. I said... " I feel like eating... pull off." We got off the highway and I went into a Wendys and ate and ate. I was like so full... then I had this long ride to deal with. So I put the seat back and tried to get some sleep. From Ohio and Eastern NY, a 13 hour ride, we stopped 7 times so I could eat. I just had this massive like... craving for over eating. We even talked about it for almost the whole time. Dad didn't want to rain on my parade, or pity party depending on your point of view. Then I asked Dan how he's feel if I got fatter? His thought was... "I love you. I love who you are. I don't love you because you are fat. Yes, I find your body extremely attractive, and your weight is a part of that. But if you were 100 of 500 pounds tomorrow, I would love you the same. You have become my best friend. If you are fat(er) or thin(er), I like you. You do what you want. Of course, the thought of you fatter is erotic as heck, but everyone has fantasies... and I am under no illusions that fantasy is not reality.

I sat in the car and both felt warm and loved, and stewed about what had happened. I wanted to take control of it. By the time we got back to school, I had concocted this idea to actually try to gain weight... like I did back in the 7th grade... but this time, I wanted to gain weight... like noticeable weight. I fixated on this silly idea of trying to gain 100 pounds before going home again. Dan told me that this was difficult goal ... A, the next time we were due home was Thanksgiving. I told him... I would not go home until next summer. I would make up whatever excuses I had to. B, That is a lot of weight, and I wasn't small to begin with. As incredibly sexy I'd be, he didn't want to see me do something I'd regret.

He has since told me that he never thought Id really do it, and was only playing along to be supportive. But, I was just on a mission. Being fat was indeed something I was good at, and I could control this. For the first time, me being fat would be something I did, not something that happened. I didn't think I could do it, all 100 pounds, but I was gonna give it my best shot. And looking back, really didn't understand the implications of living in a 500 pound body. Time would tell.

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