Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Let the gains begin.

We made it home and my mind was made up. I was gonna do everything I could to pull this off. It was like this over encompassing thing. So I ate. I was like obsessed with eating. I ate all the time. I ate whenever I could. I snacked between eating. And the thing is, I have always loved to eat, so this was like putting a duck in water. I admit, I was having a blast. For the second time, I was actually happier if I got bigger. But this time, it took on a whole new light. First or all, between my new desire to be bigger, and the fact that my boyfriend found every once appealing, the fat on me started to take on an a small erotic twinge. I was aware of my fat in a good way, not in a hide it and be ashamed way. I felt fatter everyday, though I really didn't know. Things that used to make me feel bad about being fat, were now good things. Clothes were tighter, and I always wanted to open a button. Kind of like the old days... But now, it was strangely sexy, if not simply desired.

Then one night,Dan asked me to sit down one night cause we "had to talk." Panic set in... what was this all about..." I thought he was gonna break up with me.

Instead, he said... " I know that you have this desire to gain weight, and I know why you want to and all. Do you really understand what will be involved in being bigger? I mean.. you are big now... And remember, I love "bigness," but I really love you... and want to be sure that you are sure. I mean, don't think you have to be fatter for me...

Are you sure OK with actually doing this? IM just looking out for ya. " I mean, I have been watching you, and I know you know this, but you really are a very fat girl. You don't have to be fatter for me... If you are, fine, but you don;t have to.

I kind of felt that he didn't want me to... so I just asked. He said that it wasn't a questions of what he wanted... it was a questions of what I wanted, and was I ready to be a size where "the amount of fat on my body would start to factor in to everything." If I wanted it, he'd back me 100%. If I wanted to be skinny, he'd back me 100%.

I told him that i was firmly behind the idea, and If if turns out that that I change my mind, then I'll stop. I asked him to be honest, and if he suddenly found me unattractive, to tell me and Id stop. I told him that my first priority was US, and that I didn't want to mess with that. That conversation turned into a pretty amazing cuddling session that lasted a long time. So we were lying there, kind of joking about, and dreaming about that this journey would be like... Started to fantasize about what Id look like at this size and that size... We even talked about the incredible sexyness, to him, of things getting harder to do, and needing to rest more because the fat was taking hold. These were all fantasies, but we were actually about them. So we started to come up with a plan.

With that, he told me his idea of how to go about it. He called it the 6 meal plan. Every day should include 6 meals. He'd help and encourage me, and if it was ever too much that I agree now to speak up. I agreed. He made me promise. He never thought this would happen. He figured I gain maybe 20 or 30 pounds at the most and that would be that.

So, the typical day would shape up like this: Id get up and have some kind of breakfast at the apt. Couple of doughnuts... or waffles... or something. Then go to the cafeteria, ( I was on meal plan) and have real breakfast. Hit the coffee shop around 10 for like a muffin or something, lunch after 10:20 classes, fast food around 4, dinner at 7, then dinner again at the diner at 10. I started to do it, and love it! I loved all the food... It was food heaven. I just had to find a place to see what my body weighed. I had to have a start point.

Campus laundry! They have a scale... So Id sneak in to see what i weighed. We snuck in and I stood there with Dan to see that my body weighed 388 pounds. All i had on was a t shirt and shorts so we'dbe asclose a we could. So time would tell.


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