Monday, August 07, 2006

Singleness of Purpose.

I was off. I had made up my mind that I was going to do this. I had this over reaching goal that no matter what I did, I would spend most of the time either eating, or recovering from eating. Dan thought it was a phase that would pass... but it did not pass. In fact, I became regimented in my eating. I would made sure that even in between meals, Id have things to snack on. I read the atkins diet, since thats what everyone was doing to lose weight, and did the opposite.

It did not take long to see results. I was over 400 pounds a few weeks. By October I was 415ish. I then kind of settled into this 3 - 5 pounds a week pattern. Some weeks would be more, others less, but thats about where Id average. My body has never had any difficulty gaining weight, so this lifestyle took hold right away. By By the end of the month, I was finding that clothes were tight. I would open my pants a lot when i was sitting. I would get home and rapidly change into loose clothes again... At first, I was self conscious, but I knew that coming home would always include admiration from Dan, who was besides himself. He would make observations about my body... how things were changing.

First of all, everything started to get softer. Every area of my body was rounder or puffier. My breasts grew and I had to be careful of the muffin boobs would be very noticeable. He loved my arms and legs, as they were immediate indicators. I always had big amrs and legs, and this was adding fuel to the fire. My arms were just so flabby and my legs just jiggled more and more. As the weight came on, though, other areas started to show it. My rear end ballooned. My stomach, which for my weight was never all that large, started to grow, and hang. My double belly was more pronounced and no matter what I wore and pants, you could always see the pronounced roundness of my low hanging belly roll.

I was pushing 430 by mid November. I was starting to really feel my weight more for the first time in a long time. I mean, i had always been heavy, so I was used to it. Being suddenly so much heavier so quickly, maybe was why. Getting up out of the car, or just a longer walk, or stairs, or anything just took longer, because I was slower. Or at least, I was noticing it for the first time. I couldn't walk as fast as most people without trying.

I was starting to notice that most places were too hot, that most chairs were uncomfortable, and I had to start to figure into what I was going to be doing because my body was so heavy and large. Malls seemed endless from end to end. I started to not want to go to "big stores." Stair cases seemed longer. Buildings seemed further apart. The time before I would feel like sitting down again got shorter. I was getting really fat. And loving every minute of it.

The ironic thing is that me, this big fat girl who society says is ugly was being intimate almost every night because we were both so turned on by my increasing fatness. He loved to just look at my body and notice how i was changing, and how i felt.

After a few months, I was firmy into sweats. I had to be in clothes that gived. After all, in school, who cares right? But it was really needed. With my already thick legs getting thicker, I could not wear jeans. I couldnt find any to comfortably get over my thighs, And if I did, my belly hanging over was just not comfortable. Plus its easier to push sweats down under the roll most of the time, and up and over when i was like in the world.

More and more I started to enjoy the feeling of things not fitting, or things that didn't hide me. I started to pick things that showed off that i was fat. I started to want to look the part of "Holy cow... look at her..." When wed go out, more and more Id have to sit down, I would say things to Dan like... " My god, i just have to rest " and would sit down. Resting would require a candy bar "fine" so Id eat one and feel erotic as hell. We had established that rule early on. There were things that would warrant a fine... Sitting down would require one. yum! Hed sit with me and I could tell he was in fat girl boyfriend heaven!

The more I was aware that my body was getting heavier, I would be more driven to try harder. I knew it was working. The goal was not this far far away place. I started to think that it might actually happen. Sometimes I would eat just to see how out of the norm I could be with it.

I stayed at school for the holidays, because I didn't want them to see me until I made it. I gave the " I have to work" excuse. And I did, have to work, but there was no class and I did lots of eating and just sitting around and playing with Dan. By around February, I was knocking on 450. I was really starting to feel and live the live of a very obese person. I would want to sit if I wasn't, I was always red faced and hot after anything... the weight was making a difference. And Dan was appeplectic. The limitations that the fat on my body were placing on me were just driving him crazy. I was more and more attractive every day to him and I was loving it. If only gravity could lay off a little, this would be ok... It was getting physically harder to live under the weight. But physically harder was starting to get more and more and more erotic.

Class came back in to session and now instead of eating and working now and then, I had to eat and go to class.

As spring was approaching, so was June, and that time to go home. I was eating more furiously than ever trying to get there. More and more, I would blow things off. I said it was to eat, b ut it was really becuase I just didn't want to go out. I was approacing that 485 number and was once again big time staring matieral. People would stare all the time, point, whisper... I could feel it. Not to mention, this maybe 80 - 85 pounds of new fat was making the new warm weather very uncomfortable. I jsut wanted to stay home, in the saftey ane comfort of my place and bury myself in food. It was as if nothing else mattered, I had to get to 485.

THere were two weeks to go. I looked like hell, I needed a hair cut, I felt absolutetly huge, and Dan came over. He picked my spirits up and convinced me to go over to the laundry toe see what my body weighed. It was a long walk, and just didnt want to. He begged, puched, prodded, and we finally made our way over. I rested twice, as it was no longer a walk I could make in one leg. By the time I got there, I was so tired and overheated. We waited until the coast was clear and no one was looking. I stood on that scale, and the read 486 pounds.

Emotions were high. I was elated, exited, and a little uncredulous that I had made it. He hugged me, and we made our way back to the apt. This as truly a long walk for me right on the heels of walking over. We started up the stairs. I was 1/2 way up, and stopped. "He asked Whats wrond?" I said panting " Must rest. I cant. I have to stop." He did his " come on, you can do it... come on..." One step at a time, he got me up and into the apt. For a few minutes on those steps, I felt like " What have you done... you cant even climb one flight any more..." and all the digs from the past came up. I made it into the apt and collaped into a chair. I sat looking outside feeling a combination of sorry that I was so fat that I couldnt enjoy it, and elated that I had. With a little help from Dan, elation won.

I was going to go home 100 pounds heavier than I left. I was gong to to home much larger... much flabbier,much softer, much slower, much more out of shape than I left. And I was in pretty bad shape as it was... so you can imagine. THis huge grin came over me... this was what I had wanted, and I was ready.


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