Friday, August 25, 2006

So here I lay in the Hospital, a grossly obese young girl. At least that what I thought everyone was thinking. And maybe they were. I know I had lots of wierd thoughts going through my mind. I felt for the first time in my life that the fat on my body had taken over. I actually felt like I "truly couldnt" for the first time in my life... and I dont mean couldn't run as fast as the others... or couldnt walk up a long hill.... I felt that I actually was unable to life things... beucase my body was indeed so heavy - that there was indeed so much fat piled on top of me that I needed help to survive. After all, I was in a hospital I couldnt have gotten to myself, after riding in an ambulance that I couldnt get into on my own, after not being able to ride in a normal car after not being able to get off of a floor I was on because I couldnt simply stand up off of a couch. The list of "couldn'ts" was growing.

I thought to myself that this is truly what it must be like to be "immobile" to some degree. And as horrible as it was, I felt this odd feelng of accomplishment... like... " So this is what its like... I made it..." Then I started to realize that total strangers had seen me either totally naked, or partially... had felt my body while holding me up... there was this wierd sexual undertone to it all. Of course, I was lying on a hospital bed at the time by myself letting my mind wander. The feeling that the fat on me was restricting me had taken an erotic hold of me again.

Then Dan came into the room. They let him come in, and he was just so glad to be near me. He kept saying how sorry he was that he had to do it... that he didnt want me to have to go through it all... I told him it was OK, and that he probabaly saved my life... and that I was OK.

Then I got this nutty idea. I asked him " So, how did it feel watching me?" He asked" :What do you mean?" I asked... " How did I look trying so hard to move? Was it erotic as hell?" He stood there not knowing what to say. I looked at him and said... " Its OK, you can tell me... how did it feel? Did you like watching me struggle? Did you like watching the fat win?" He didn't know what do say. I didn't either... it was just a nutty moment.

Then some nurse came in and she said that they needed to do more tests... and they wheeled me on my bed out. I had to get a chest xray, bloodwork, and get moved from the ER to a room. Along the way, I was going to be checked in... which included things like getting weighed. WEIGHED? What is this... school? No way! But they said they had to, becuase they had to determine how much mdicine to give me.

The nurse said, due to your severe obesity, we do not know and can not guess the correct dosage. We must weigh you, and that is that. If you werent so heavy, it would not be neccessary. Kind of felt like a swipe, but what the heck... she is right... So after my chest xray, we stopped and I had to get weighed... and the first place we stopped wasnt good enough... ran out of numbers at 499. So, we had to go somewhere else. I was pretty embarrased... Anyhow, we wound up in this other room and I had to stand up and get all sorts of measurements done. I guess it was alsmot like a physical of sorts. THey said they had to develop a base line on my physical condition.

She told me that I was offically 5'6 inches tall, 544 pounds, with a BMI index of 87.8. Whatever that means. I told her that there was no way that I weighed 544 pounds, that I was only 505 like 2 months ago. Well, I was 544 pounds. I had a 96 inch waist and 44 inch thighs. But the thighs did have a lot of fluid in them , she said. THey said it was lots of fluid from the pneumonia and that it would clear.

I wound up going off to a room where I would fall asleep for the res tof the night. I fell asleep thinking... HOly crap... 544 pounds... no wonder i couldnt move... thats 40 pounds in 2 months... I was honestly mind blown. It was a bit to much for me to take.

The rest of my hospital stay, all 4 days was spent walking and resting. Walking becuase they said that moving around was the best way to cealr the lungs. Resting, cause between the medicine and the weight, I was always wiped out. They made me walk the hallway. Up and back. up and back. There was this really nice nurse, Terry who would always come in and spend a little time with me. She would walk with me and watch so if I started to get overheated, Id stop. THey said that was bad. But she and I became friends, and talked a lot. She felt sorry for me being so big, and all. She kept telling me that I was really pretty, that Id be a knockout if I were thin.

I honestly told her that i had never in my life been thin, and that i couldnt imagine it. I told her of my year, and the gaining, and Dan, and everything. She asked me a few questions that I could not answer. They are really interesting questions:

" Am I afraid of people more than being fatter?" I dont know.

" Am I afraid of people?" Yes - very

" Am I truly happy like this?" I dont know

" If I could actually do it successfully, would I want to be thin? Not thinner, but thin. ?" Yes, I think so

" Do I believe I could ever have that?" No.

* Many of these questions keep rattling around in my head.

Then she said " Do I Really want to be fat?" I dont know.

She said "Am I Happy?" And I said, I have been for the last year, except for being home and well, yesterday.

Then she asked me... how much of the "being fat thing" is a defense mechanism for not beleiveing I could ever be thin? I dont know the answer to that.

We had some nice chats. I really spent some time thinking about it. Not that I came up with any answers... but it was food for thought. There were lots of people trying to get me to lose weight... trying to get me to understand how fat I really was/am... how " dangerous" it is... how bad it is... Terry said something to me when I complained to her that people kept bugging me about it. She said " They care. Maybe they dont know how to say it, but they care. Accept is as such." She told me that I was a beautiful person, and that would never change regardless of my weight... but that that Id have a better life it I were thinner.

I said, Duh, I know that... but its never gonna happen. She asked Why?

I have no answer.

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